I go to school at The Ohio State University, hence a fair amount of my friends are from Cleveland and as we are all aware Cleveland is the heartbreak capital of the world, no one is better at losing than Clevelanders. Now, since they have so much experience sucking some of them seem to take they view that they are the undisputed experts on losing and feel that no other fan of any team from any city has a right to be upset when their team loses. An example of what I’m talking about:
Random Sports Fan: “I can’t believe we just blew that game, we fuckin suck!”
Cleveland Sports Fan: “You’re upset?! You suck?! how dare you say such a thing, I’m from Cleveland, do you realize what I’ve gone through my whole life? I expect to lose! Be happy with what you have!”
It’s the conversations like the one above that really annoy me (kinda like trying to fuck an eskimo in an igloo full of fire ants). What bothers me most about it is are two things; one, while they are yelling at you, you can usually hear a faint sense of pride about how shitty their teams are, and two, they actually think it’s a sound point they are making and that their shittyness is a sufficient reason for the other fan to not be upset. They couldn’t be more wrong, and Ill tell you why…
We get it Cleveland, you suck…pretty much sums it up, for the majority of my life your teams have been irrelevant, and on the times they were relevant nothing good came of it (see James, Lebron, Indians 2007 and Browns 2008). You’ve watched your teams be mediocre or suck most of the time but Cleveland, at least you don’t get teased….
When I say teased I mean what has happened in Philly in my life time…In case you were only paying attention to the losing in Cleveland for the past 20 years (which I guess is theoretically possible considering there is probably enough material for you to spend 20 years worth of time studying just Cleveland losing) I’ll recap…
- 9 playoff appearances in my life time
- Draft Allen Iverson in 1996
- Watch one of the best natural scorers of all time play for 10 years and win no titles
- Lose title to Lakers in 2001 (After winning game 1 in LA which was the only time the Lakers lost in the playoffs that year)
- 14 playoff appearances in my life time (’94-’05, ’07-’10)
- Made playoffs 1994-2005, never won the cup
- Lose to New Jersey Devils in 1995 Eastern Conference Final, Devils go on to win The Stanley Cup
- Lose to New Jersey Devils in 2000 Eastern Conference Final after being up 3-1, Devils go on to win The Stanley Cup (last time I actually cried after a loss)
- Lose to Lightning in 2004 Eastern Conference Final, Lightning go on to win the Stanley Cup
- Lose to Penguins in 2008 Eastern Conference Final
- Lose to Detroit Red Wings in 1997 Stanley Cup
- Lose to Chicago Blackhawks in 2010 Stanley Cup
- 5 playoff appearances in my life time (’93,’07-’10)
- Didn’t make playoffs from 1994-2006
- Got swept in divisional series by Rockies in 2007
- Lose 2010 NLCS to inferior Giants team (who later win World Series)
- Lose 2009 World Series to New York Yankees
- Lose 1993 World Series to Toronto Blue Jays (Joe Fuckin Carter (This qualifies as a historic loss, the definition of historic loss is being the team on the opposing side of a moment that is replayed over and over again, thanks Mitch)
Eagles: Where to begin….
- 12 playoff appearances in my life time (’90,’92,’95,’96,’00-’04,’06,’08-’10)
- Lose 2001 NFC championship to The St. Louis Rams
- Lose 2002 NFC championship to The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (I was at this game), Bucs go on to blowout the Raiders 48-21 in Super Bowl XXXVII
- Lose 2003 NFC championship to the Panthers (I was at this game too)
- Lose 2004 Superbowl to the Patriots
- Lose 2008 NFC championship game to Cardinals
Breath it in Cleveland Fans….this is my sporting history, I’ve been teased more times than a fat, ugly, retarded kid in 3rd grade. Now, I can already hear you complaining about the Phillies winning it all in 2008 and how that makes up for everything else. Trust me, it doesn’t, in fact it only makes the other teams’ failures seem worse. You gotta understand, the Phillies overall were the worst team in The City for 10 years and then allasudden in their 3rd playoff appearance of my life they go on to win it all…something that none of the other teams could do once in their combined 40 playoff appearances, I’m willing to bet my dick that there are a large amount of people who would agree with me that having a team lose sucks but having to watch your team come close so many times and never win can be even worse.
Moral of the story Cleveland fans is that a lot of people, not just you have been disappointed by their teams, and that disappointment is legitimate….so next time one of your out-of-town friends is upset about a loss….before you go into some self-pitying rant about how shitty your sports life is, take solace in the fact that at least your teams just suck year in and year out, instead of giving you hope and then tearing your heart out year after year like me….but don’t worry Cleveland, Philadelphia won a championship in 2008, so your city still remains the gold standard for losing.